Hello Darling :)

I’m not sure what’s wrong anymore.

Well. Another personal entry, yay! Anyways. I have been sick for the last few days. like, major pain and crying kind of sick. Got prescribed some shit that doesn’t help much, but whatever. i’m getting by, so i guess that counts for something. My problem is, idunno whether i was crying over the pain (which was awful) or just the stress and shit in my mind. Idunno why i am even having any problems. I mean, i have a job, i have a home, i have food, i have awesome friends, and an awesome family that loves me. Everything seems to be going really well. but it hasn’t always been like that. Maybe..that’s my problem. i need the chaos. I like the chaos. It keeps things interesting.

                 So does it seem odd that i just wanna go out and do something destructive, just to feel a little more alive than i do? Does that even sound normal in any way at all? Probably not. But it’s exactly how i feel. I wanna get into something bad. Something idiotic. Anything at all. Everything is so damn routine, and it drives me insane. Fuck all this predictable shit. Yeah, I am doing well for myself, and everyone says ‘Oh look at how far you’ve gotten’, and ‘You’re so mature for your age, and ‘You are making it on your own’ and while that all may be quite true, does it count for anything if i am still unhappy? 

             It’s obvious that something has to change. Things will change. I need to do something different. i’m not sure what yet. 

              So! Now that i am done complaining, i will now proceed to go onto facebook and chat with people. Later, Tumblr.

Best friends means;

So this is a personal post, i suppose. I’ve just been thinking a lot about friends, and how much they change, or how much they stay the same. Both for the better and for the worst. Idunno. I guess, it just disappoints me that certain people can repeat all the same mistakes over and over and over again. Like, it’s so hard to learn the first time? Or you know better, but don’t care regardless. I do not find it so very difficult to be a decent person. It’s actually rather easy. But no one cares to be decent anymore. Their life sucks, so may as well make everyone else’s life hell as well. Yeah. Good plan. Not. 

            I think, no scratch that, i KNOW that I have a few friends, that don’t deserve the time of day from me. I mean, you’d figure one stab in the back, one slap in the face, that’s more than enough. Apparently not. Cuz once i forgive someone once, they expect it always. So they continue to do crappy things, cuz they assume i’ll always just be there. And while this may be true, it doesn’t invalidate how you make me feel and what you did. Sure, i’ll be there for you, but my dependence on you will decrease all the time. And my trust will be gone, which by the way, is almost impossible to earn back from me. Newsflash; I am NOT a doormat.  

           And as for my friends changing and staying the same, i see this happening a lot lately. Maybe they aren’t changing though. Maybe.. They have always been what i am possibly just now starting to see. In that case, i’m rather blind. Idunno how I so bluntly miss certain traits that are all too obvious in certain people. I guess I just have to accept that sometimes I’d prefer to see some good in people, as opposed to the bad. But sometimes the good doesn’t cancel out the bad. Sometimes the bad outweighs the good. And when i find this out, i need to learn to trust my instinct and stop expecting good out of those kinds of people. Yeah. SOUNDS easy. Not so much though. 

            I’m starting to think, maybe i need to make a new variety of friends. Maybe a more mature variety, lol. I just need to associate myself with people that are on the same level as me. Or just try and get my future together and stuff and figure out people after that.

            Now, with all this being said, i must say, I am not the most mature person, and i am not the most decent person all the time, but i try my hardest to be. Of course I am slightly immature, I’m 18, that’s to be expected. And yeah, I still make mistakes and stuff with people, but i’m only human. I can’t be perfect, and I’m okay with that. I like who I am and what i stand for. I sleep well at night and guilt doesn’t swallow me whole. That’s a hell of a lot more than some people can say. I’m not sitting here trying to put anyone down. I just think maybe i am not who i used to be, i/ve grown, and the people i used to get along with well, have not changed, and so we are very different types of people. So it’s normal that distance is between us, and that i am not going to like every choice they make.

            Anyways, i suppose i am done rambling. 

                                      Later tumblr :)